You know, parents, teachers, and...everyone prepare you for failure, but no one prepares you for success; and I might sound like some whiny asshole when I say this, but...
I wasn't prepared.
I didn't think people would like my work.
I didn't think people would even notice me.
I sure as hell didn't think I'd ever get recognized by a frickin goddess of the internet.
And maybe I'm making something out of nothing, but it happened.
And people saw.
And people are asking for things.
Which is great! I'm overjoyed you like my stuff!! It really is a dream come true!
But the thing about failure is no one expects anything of you.
If you're successful, you have people watching you. And it's so much pressure...
I wanna do good. You guys know I do. I feel like, the only way to explain this, is Rapunzel and Gothel's relationship. I'm Rapunzel AND Mother Gothel. I have goals and I keep bringing myself down-- it's not like I WANT to!! And every day, I try and try to get out of that attitude, and I just...I can't!
And then I feel worse, because I feel like you guys think I'm annoying or lazy or an attention whore or something!! [Believe me, if I were trying to get you're attention, you'd know. Look for the caps and fucking emoji barf] I feel like a broken record, and I just--
I gotta get my shit together.
I have promises I NEED. TO. FULFILL.
And, oh my gosh, these nice notes you guys leave me... like, I got the sweetest anons on tumblr the other day, and--
I always read those. I always read comments. Even if I don't get to them as soon as I'd like to, I ALWAYS read them. People who leave stuff like that are the reason I'm fighting this...whatever it is.
I tried talking to my family about it. Liz thinks it's depression, my family just said..god, they just--
They said 'that's what happens'. You know what, like I said, they prepare me for failure.
I used to not be afraid to fail.
I don't want to be afraid of drawing! I love it!! I love you guys!! I love the friendships I've made, I love the fact that the people I support are growing, and I get to be a part of that!
But right now, I'm falling behind.
And... I think the best thing right now...is to take an indefinite haitus.
Yes! I know you requested art, I KNOW THAT. Don't you think it kills me knowing that I let you down?! Yes, I know October was supposed to be this big thing and I'd come back hunky-dory-- but my stress got fucking worse, and I can't control it and if I keep going like this, I'll lose the one thing I love most, and I can't live like that!!
Guys, please don't hate me. I'm..already crying and I cant' fucking type right.
Look. Think of it this way. I WILL STILL GET TO EVERY COMMISSION, EVERY REQUEST, EVERY ADOPT, EVERY SKETCH, AND EVERY COMMENT. I WILL STILL ADORE EVERY NEW PIECE YOU ARTISTS DISH OUT. I WILL GET TO EVERY. LAST. ONE. Think of me as the Eren Jaeger of deviantart-- I'm angry, passionate, I'm a HUGE crybaby, and when I say that I'm gonna do something, I DO IT.
Who knows? This hiatus could only last a week, maybe a day. I could come back in five minutes. Or, it could take till December. Worst case scenario, it takes till December, and that's when we have half off on commissions!! See? It's not that bad! Come on, say it with me, so I don't start freaking out and cruyin again. I'm really trying to stay positive, right now. I have to.
Ok. I'm so sorry I ranted again and I keep bugguing you with my shit, but the last thing I want is to leave you guys in the dark. They always say to talk about when you're not ok, and I am not ok. I love you guys so much I can't
Ok. I have to do this. This...feeling right here has been eating and eating at me like nobody's business. It's either this hiatus, or...I feel like I'm gonna cave. I have to do this. I love you guys, and I'm so sorry!! Please, please don't hate me.
I consider this a failure, cus I'm not going to get stuff out to you guys as soon as I'd hoped.
But I will come back. I promise. I'm gonna get my shit together.
I love you all.